Believe me, I have some perfectly good excuses explanations for this, and it’s been nagging at me. PA has been rather light on the updating lately, as I’ve spent a long time with the site up and plenty of things to post, but no energy or willpower to write them. There are a variety of reasons for this, but they all tie back to one issue. I’m in an almost hilariously debilitated state. While I “connected” with the A Serious Man trailer when it came out, I wasn’t truly feeling it, because while the mood it set was definitely connectible, there were hardly any catalysts or events that really portrayed Michael Stuhlbarg’s character begging to the rabbi. It became so. However, quotes like this: “I’m hooked. Random, entertaining, and totally funny. Highlight of my day.” from people on Facebook keep me wanting to continue. Eat it, -50 to 50 boy.

As a lot of you know, I’m on this medication (that I’m almost finished with, yes!) that pretty much gives me headaches, body aches, everything aches, makes my bones brittle, makes my lips chapped and makes me have to drink more water than one stomach can ever contain. It wasn’t so bad but it’s been getting worse, even though the effects of it are just about complete. It’s made something already incredibly hard for me, waking up early and going to school, a more difficult affair. Even though this is in theory, my easiest schedule I’ve had, it seems more and more volatile by the day. I tutor in the special education classes first hour (dropped College Algebra, which to my knowledge the highest grade is now a rock solid 80! I was getting no college credit, no mandatory High School credits, and had literally no reason to take it now, and would probably only get a minor heart attack by the end of it. Blood tests hinted at it, actually.), take Freshmen P.E. second hour, as I packed my schedule too tightly to ever take them previously, then a Physics class that is occasionally hard but predominantly a breeze, and a Spanish IV class that I managed to chug along in. As I’ve learned throughout school all my life with the exception of…two classes, is that the easy classes are defined by not being taught and thus not learning anything and never having to show for it, and the hard classes are defined by not being taught and thus not learning anything and then being required to show that you learned something. Today in my Spanish IV class, I pretty much became the bitch of the imperfect tense. Read it all I want, understand the differences between the imperfect and preterit tense as according to the cheat sheets and book notes, even translate it into perfect English, my ability to interpret and decipher which tense applies is worthless. The only thing I get from my teacher and students is quips and vitriolic ridicule. I swear, “just deal with it”, “you better learn it somehow” or “you’ll be fine, just do it” are the only things that teachers or peers know how to say.

But while its mostly passed, I can attribute a lot of why there hasn’t been much on here lately is because if I spoke my mind, a lot of crap would go down. The contents of my life and the people around me lately has been…Twin Peaks 90210. It’s really hilarious, and I can’t wait to write about it all in a novel one day, and if you know what I’m talking about, you really do know what I’m talking about. Yet I feel like posting anything of the four or so “-gate”’s occuring within the realm of postyvent’s majority readership would be problematic at best and sheer nuclear controversy at worst. But it’s just soooooooo funny and yet I think it’s the reason I couldn’t get out of bed last Wednesday. Let’s just say I miss people, I lol at people, I’m shocked, I’m humored, I’m flattered, I’m scared and I’m angry. Some people deserve a lot better than what they’ve received and some people deserve the eighth layer of hell. Yes, Dante, you didn’t find one.

Esoteric much? Well, kind of.

Therefore, I’ve temporarily decided that I should move out the day after graduation, run off to Hollywood, and let the road take me where it wants to go. I crave the Hollywood lifestyle. I’m a scummy individual with the complete urge to be very very grossly rich and scummy while toying with the moving pictures. Studio exec, ideal. Writer/director, nearly ideal. Agent, pretty ideal. Hollywood blogger, I’d take it. Wherever my path goes right now in my currently entirely mediocre, middle-management at best status? Blah. Though, most Hollywood stories end up in a gutter with some Sudafed and Jeffrey Wells confusing you for a toilet. Eek.

Photo: My “American Love” shot, rotated and cropped and completely distorted.

…and if an article posted by Channel 9 in Oklahoma City is to be believed, apparently Arizona doesn’t do much better in this regard. Somehow I am not shocked, and yet, I am. The Oklahoma Council of Public Affairs commissioned this survey to recognize Constitution Day, and had no idea that this was going to be in store when they tested over 10,000 high school students on the citizenship test. Only 3% of them passed, while immigration data says 92% pass on the first try. The land of the free and the home of…the whopper? I’m plagiarizing Peter Griffin. PLAGIARIZING.

News9 interviewed a conservative analyst named Brandon Dutcher, who compared the state to Arizona (living here shows that it could very well be true, I mean, just go back through the archives of this site and tell me the examples I posted of my fellow “Zonis” don’t ring true. “Jefferson later said that a nation can’t expect to be ignorant and free,” Dutcher said. “It points to a real serious problem. We’re not going to remain ignorant and free.” said Dutcher, who I am plagiarizing.

Question
% of Students Who Answered Correctly

What is the supreme law of the land?
28

What do we call the first ten amendments to the Constitution?
26

What are the two parts of the U.S. Congress?
27

How many justices are there on the Supreme Court?
10

Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
14

What ocean is on the east coast of the United States?
61

What are the two major political parities in the United States?
43

We elect a U.S. senator for how many years?
11

Who was the first President of the United States?
23

Who is in charge of the executive branch?
29

Source: News9

It’s fun to live in Phoenix, because while it isn’t a major or particularly sophisticated market by any means (we don’t get indies or anything of worth that isn’t on more than 2000 screens, most of the time), we get the dumping ground films by the dozen. We got Killshot, we got Fanboys (which is lovely, by the way), we got Southland Tales (three months after it was on DVD…), we currently have Carriers, and we got Chaos Theory. These were all at the full-price theaters, but meanwhile, the lone dollar three dollar theater, the Silver Cinema 8, got stuff like Midnight Meat Train and Repo! The Genetic Opera and became a popular spot for me and some others despite the fact that it’s absolutely nasty in every way. But that adds so much to it, as audiences are either non-existant or the auditorium is completely packed, and that is just awesome. It’s the closest thing I have to a grindhouse theater I have, sure it doesn’t play Rocky Horror every Saturday like the theater in Chandler, nor does it play Hell Ride for 3 months like the Drive-In here (I don’t go nearly enough, also HOLY CRAP THERE’S A DRIVE-IN HERE!!!!!), but, it does the trick. And Lionsgate has done it again in a way that’s unparalleled, and it ends up being my reward. But they stepped over the line…they screwed over Michael Fassbender.

The film in question doesn’t even have an IMDB page (another film of the same name does), and it was directed by the infamously terrible-yet-well-respected-anyway Joel Schumacher. It’s titled Blood Creek, and apparently it is an occult story of the formation of the third reich. That’s right, Hitler horror. And that my friends, is the best thing ever. The film stars Dominic Purcell (the other guy on Prison Break) and OMG FASSBENDER, and it’s currently playing at the Silver Cinema 8…completely unannounced. Lionsgate doesn’t even acknowledge that the film exists on their website, nor on IMDB, and it never had an announced release date. But they’re releasing it in theaters for contractual obligations, and they changed the title from the two titles it has had, Creek and Town Creek, because Lionsgate is the king of changing titles and having misleading covers to get people to buy one thing and get another. Expect this movie to release on DVD with zombies or vampires on the cover and never feature any of them.

It’s good to know that in a time when everything is regressing, politically, culturally, anything with the private sector involved, that the movie business is going back to the absolutely hilarious business practices of going under the radar to screw as many people as they can over as long as contracts are met. Lionsgate is an unparalleled studio at the moment, and it’s just…beautiful. I don’t want to see this, but I feel I should just so I can talk about it to everyone who wouldn’t actually care.

A few days I reported on Tempe “Pastor” Steven Anderson, who is totally gung-ho for a homosexual genocide, and it seems like not he’s suddenly gotten into the national spotlight, because he and his “congregation” is praying for Obama to get a brain tumor. He doesn’t condone of murder (bullshit), but yeah, a brain tumor. That’ll kill him off real good. Also, not really news to me but worth mentioning, his “church” is a little tiny compartment of a strip mall. Awesome, Steven. You rent out a little space and say crazy stuff and now you’ll probably be a vice presidential candidate in 2012. The American way! Maybe I should go get some space in the strip mall by my house and put up a Church of Postavant and The Noodly Appendage and I’d have Fox News doing an article on me too.

To link to Fox News, damn me:
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/08/31/phoenix-pastor-draws-protests-telling-church-prays-obamas-death/

“I’m gonna pray that he dies and goes to hell when I go to bed tonight. That’s what I’m gonna pray,” he told his congregation.

He claims that this is merely just “spiritual warfare” and not anything malicious at all, and he is white as rain with God and he’s soooooo not going to hell.

“Look up the word hate. Look up the word abhor, the word loathe. You’ll see there are a lot of people that God hates, and so we should hate. But see, I didn’t write that, that’s in the Bible.”

Yeah, he’s going to get the shit beaten out of him again, with good reason. Hateful fundamentalist weirdo. Go chill with Ashley Card and talk about how animals don’t have brains or something equally stupid.

The full sermon, over an hour of craziness, I’m not going to watch it. Also, it’s just an empty room with him and…two people. Yeah, that sounds about right. He’ll be famous now that he’s getting attention for being such a moron. His congregation will grow to town hall size.