Postavant

I know, repost, again.

Picture by LuziWonka, Deviantart

Remember back in January on the old site, Neoavant, when fellow Rotten Tomatoes poster David Fey had a guest spot on the blog and wrote about Twilight? The article was not only hilarious, but brought in the most traffic the site ever got, with hundreds of Twitards pouring in to rant about this literary abortion that is Stephenie Meyer’s masturbatory fodder. Well, I found the article, and am posting it again to set up as a launch pad for all of the Twilight-centric content that will be pouring in leading up to the release of New Moon, which takes the hilarity produced by the first novel and slaps an exponent or two onto it.

The Twilight Backlash is Warranted by David Fey

All right. I’ve had enough of those people saying the hate is unwarranted. Allow me to demonstrate the book’s awfulness.

First, the obvious. The novel basically takes the vampire mythology and rapes it int the ***. In it’s origin, the vampire myth is similar to that of Faust: Man’s ambition or his emotions (depending on the version) lead him away from his humanity and make him a monster. Vampires are animals in human guise. They hunt and are entirely governed by their passions (it was Dracula’s love for his wife and later, for Lucy, that turned him into the monster he is as he turned away from God and humanity). The are doomed to live forever to watch themselves create a solitary hell of their own making from which they can never turn away. Vampirism, in its normal form, is a curse.

In Twilight, they can go out in the sun and do not have to feed on humans (thus removing the cursed aspect of their lives as they are able to function in society and go to school). This alone ruins any dimension of the curse, making them basically teenagers with awesome powers who are admired by everyone who so much as looks at them (read superhero). Hell, the sun only makes them sparkle and more awesome. Thus, any reason the author had for making them vampires is either none at all, or to lure teenagers by giving them the name of the most recognized and loved monster in the horror/fantasy genre.

Secondly, the characters. Bella is one of the most shallow human beings I have ever seen in a book. She is angsty, yet everyone loves her and she has basically the personality of an anemic cat. Edward is a 100-year old vampire who still hangs around in high schools and behaves like a teenager, indicating from the get-go a total lack of character dynamism. The relationship between the two is absolutely ridiculous as well. He loves her because she smells good and she loves him because he’s pretty and mysterious, which leads me to the main problem I have with the story: we are told that their love is pure and eternal, but we are never told why. It’s not because he admires her personality or she loves his intellect and admires his emotional depth. He loves her because she smells good and she loves him because he’s pretty. If you dare tell me that is a profound and memorable relationship, you’re either a liar or an idiot. Pick one.

Now, let me move on to the few actual signs of personality they display and how they conflict with the book’s alleged message. We are told that Edward is perfect, yet he is constantly shown as unstable and downright creepy. He prevents her from seeing her friends, and while his intentions may be to protect her, he doesn’t give her a choice and disables her car with barely more than a superficial reference to his wanting her to be safe. This, along with many other things in the book, removes her freedom of will and indicates an overbearing and controlling personality. Not protective and kind. Overbearing and controlling, as found in an abusive relationship where all the decisions are unilateral.

Bella, on the other hand, is the very definition of a vegetable. She does everything Edward says, never questions him and insists she loves him and that he is perfect. The only time she seems to go against his will is when she insists on being his girlfriend. You heard that right. The only display of independence is her wanting to submit to him. Now, I am told this book has a wonderful message of feminine affirmation and all that. What the fuck, Charles? The woman is barely more than a puppet for Edward, always obeying him, even when threatened with physical harm. That is not an independent character. That is a sand doll standing where an interesting protagonist should be.

Finally, the bad guy. We are given absolutely no reason as to why James is a monster. All we know is that he’s mean. And ugly. While Edward loves Bella for her smell, he wants to eat her. All vampires can apparently live normal lives and drink animal blood, thus making them immortal teenagers with awesome powers. But, for some reason, James is an exception. Why? You silly person and your questions. Villains don’t need motivations and interesting personalities. He is ugly! Therefore he is bad. The logic here is clearly without flaw. Dear Lord, I feel dumber just by typing this. Gimme a second. I have to take a shower and scrub the Meyer off.

Now, I have given you an 800-word essay in which I have analyzed every aspect of the book and detailed the ways in which it is mind-numbingly bad. Now, I dare you to read through this and tell me there is a shred of talent behind this novel. I dare you to tell me the love story is anything else than nauseating. By Grabthar’s hammer and by the Sons of Warvan, by the twisting souls of Dante, Joyce and Stoker, by all the eyes of all the men and women who dedicated their lives and souls to the great art of literature, I dare you to tell me I am wrong.

The Twilight backlash is warranted.7.6108

Popularity: 17% [?]

Tags: eats her because he's hungry, Edward Cullen, Edward Cullen abusive, Edward Cullen creepy stalker, hating twilight, Kristen Stewart, New Moon, Robert Pattinson, Stephenie Meyer, Twilight, Twilight Disgusting, Twilight essay, Twilight hate, Twilight hate ssay, Twilight Offensive, Twilight rant, Twilight Sucks, Twilight terrible, Twitards, vampires, vampires do not sparkle

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 18th, 2009 at 2:09 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.